Finding Your Purpose: Why Everything You've Been Told Is Wrong (And What To Do Instead)
Have you ever felt that nagging anxiety about not having found your "true purpose" in life? That feeling that everyone else seems to have it figured out while you're still searching?
You're not alone. According to research mentioned by hospice physician Dr. Jordan Grumet, up to 91% of people experience what he calls "purpose anxiety" at some point in their lives.
But what if everything we've been taught about purpose is fundamentally flawed?
The Big Problem With "Big P Purpose"
For years, I've been fascinated by the concept of purpose. Like many of you, I've read countless books, attended seminars, and even tried meditation retreats all aimed at helping me discover my "why."
Then I came across Dr. Grumet's revolutionary approach to purpose, and it completely transformed my understanding.
Dr. Grumet learned these lessons the hard way. After losing his father (an oncologist) at age 7, he decided that becoming a doctor would somehow cosmically fix this wound. He pushed through medical school, conquered a learning disability, and achieved his goal—only to find himself deeply unfulfilled and burned out.
"This version of purpose, this audacious version of purpose, like I can cosmically save this fact that my father died by just becoming a doctor like him, wasn't actually reachable," Dr. Grumet explains. "I wasn't reaching that big audacious goal I had. But I also wasn't enjoying the process either, and that is the perfect setup to burn out."
Sound familiar? How many of us have chased impressive-sounding goals that we thought would bring fulfillment, only to reach them and feel...nothing?
The Revolutionary Shift: Little p Purpose
Dr. Grumet offers a radical redefinition: "Purpose is the actions we take in the present and future that light us up."
Let that sink in for a moment. Not your "why." Not some grand mission. Simply the activities that energize rather than drain you.
This shift from "Big P Purpose" (goal-oriented) to "little p purpose" (process-oriented) changes everything:
Big P Purpose is all-or-nothing (succeed or fail)
Little p purpose is all-or-all (impossible to fail)
Big P Purpose is scarce (few can achieve it)
Little p purpose is abundant (endless possibilities)
As Dr. Grumet puts it: "Winning the game is filling up time with as much purposeful activity you love the process of doing and getting rid of as many things that you loathe as possible."
The Roman Effect: How Baseball Cards Changed Lives
One of the most powerful stories Dr. Grumet shares is about Roman, an antique store owner who discovered a passion for baseball cards almost by accident.
Roman had been a baseball player whose dreams were cut short by a knee injury. One day, he discovered some baseball cards in an armoire he purchased, and when a teenager pointed out their value, something clicked for Roman. He felt a spark—what Dr. Grumet calls a "purpose anchor."
Instead of dismissing this as trivial, Roman built part of his business around baseball cards. This created a community where young people—including a young, fatherless Jordan—found connection, mentorship, and belonging.
Decades later, the impact of Roman's "little p purpose" lives on through all the lives he touched.
The lesson? Sometimes our most meaningful impact comes not from pursuing grand ambitions but from following small sparks of joy.
7 Practical Steps to Find Your Purpose
Here's how to apply Dr. Grumet's insights to your own life:
1. Avoid Purpose Mirages
These are the big, audacious goals that promise fulfillment but rarely deliver it—becoming a billionaire, gaining fame, or achieving elite status. As Dr. Grummit explains, "It's something that you convince yourself that you will be happy and everything will be perfect once you reach it, even if you don't basically feel yourself lit up by the process of doing these things you have to do to get there."
2. Find YOUR Purpose (Not Someone Else's)
"Society, marketing, social media... everyone has a version of purpose for you that probably fulfills their needs," Dr. Grumet warns. Parents, friends, and social media influencers all have opinions about what should fulfill you. The challenge is determining what actually lights YOU up.
3. Focus on Process, Not Goals
Ask yourself: "What activities make me lose track of time?" These flow states are powerful indicators of purpose. Unlike goal-oriented activities (which often require suffering through processes you dislike), process-oriented activities bring joy regardless of outcome.
4. Conduct a Life Review
Borrowed from hospice care, a life review involves asking profound questions: What were your most important moments? Your biggest triumphs and failures? Most meaningful relationships? And crucially—what would you regret never having the energy, courage, or time to do?
5. Revisit Childhood Passions
"Kids are extremely purposeful," Dr. Grumet observes. "They haven't co-opted to anyone else's version of purpose yet." Think about what decorated your childhood bedroom, what made you lose track of time, what posters hung on your walls. These provide clues to authentic purpose anchors.
6. Try the Spaghetti Method
If you're still struggling to identify purpose anchors, experiment widely. "Throw a bunch of things against the wall and see what sticks," suggests Dr. Grumet. Say yes to new experiences, talk to different people, step outside your comfort zone—then pay attention to what energizes rather than depletes you.
7. Practice the Art of Subtraction
List all your current responsibilities and roles, then cross out everything you dislike. For the things you can't eliminate entirely, look for ways to minimize them while maximizing activities that bring joy. "Ultimately, as we get older and older, we're doing more and more things that we love and less and less things that we loathe," Dr. Grumet explains.
The Privilege Question Answered
When I share these ideas with clients, I often hear: "That's fine for people with financial security, but what about the rest of us?"
Dr. Grumet addresses this head-on: "Money is a really important tool to living a life of purpose, but it's only one of many tools." We also have our passions, energy, skills, connections, and communities.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics found that most Americans have about five hours of free time daily—often more for those in lower socioeconomic brackets. Even fifteen minutes spent on something joyful can be the beginning of a purposeful practice.
Building Momentum
The most encouraging aspect of this approach is that purpose builds momentum. "The hardest thing is building the momentum for that first action," Dr. Grumet notes. "But once you start taking these actions, the momentum builds."
As you incorporate more purposeful activities into your life, you'll likely experience:
Increased energy (rather than depletion)
Deeper connections with like-minded people
New opportunities arising organically
Greater overall life satisfaction
Your Next Step
Today, I invite you to take one small action toward "little p purpose":
Identify one activity that consistently energizes you
Schedule 15-30 minutes this week dedicated to this activity
Pay attention to how you feel during and after
Gradually increase the time spent on this and similar activities
Remember, purpose isn't something you find once and forever. It's something you build day by day, choice by choice, action by action.
As Dr. Grumet learned from his hospice patients: don't wait until it's too late to prioritize what truly lights you up.
This is a summary of The Happiness Lab Podcast, Season 10, Episode 10.
